ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?