roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough