Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
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why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.