{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
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I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Why is everyone getting married at me
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.