[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
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I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.