Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
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Grandmother clock.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.