ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
You Might Also Like
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?