[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Support your local cemetery
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.