For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Buying a well is money well spent.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.