[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
You Might Also Like
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them