[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE