Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Made something I’m not proud of
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.