Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
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Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Have a lovely day 😊
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.