[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”