Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.