Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
catch me on valentine’s day like
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.