*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
You Might Also Like
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions