Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”