@Daddyissues__: Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chic is you.
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@Brianhopecomedy: I texted my wife with "ROTFHAHA" & she replied with "LMAO" so I don't think she understands that I'm having a heart attack.
@subtweetopath: Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Well that’s great! Me: Your luggage is outside.