Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.