I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard