Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
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When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Livid.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?