@Squizbot: Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the 6 if you'll be the 9.
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@Kali_Mura: Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane. Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
@flashember: [Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief] COP: *squints* Was it you? GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
@panmidwest: THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day! ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
@JohnLyonTweets: No, autocorrect, I'm not "pooping" popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don't plan to text about it.