@Squizbot: Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the 6 if you'll be the 9.
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@RickAaron: I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during "Ellen" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
@ThugRaccoons: Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die? Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that. Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL Wife: Me: OMG! Say something!
@joejwest: [jail] ME: I want my phone call COP: Ok. Make it count ME: [dials payphone] [cop's mobile rings] COP: Hello? ME: Please let me go
@IamJackBoot: Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.