Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
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I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Very problematic
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
The struggle is real
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Well, that didn’t work.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.