Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?