Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
You Might Also Like
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.