Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
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Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Otters see a butterfly.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Hero horse inspires millions
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”