@McKnightyBoo: [Hires Skywriter] I DON'T OVERREACT

@3sunzzz: [trust fall exercise at work] CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN'T CATCH ME! M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

@shutupmikeginn: Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, "someday I'll own a window this nice."

@Parkerlawyer: Client, "I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito."

@_ElvishPresley_: whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?! *pretends hand is a telephone* "Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!"