@Cravin4: Roses are red
Violets aren't ferns
Since I've been with you
When I pee it burns.
@astutenewf: *boss at staff meeting*
Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?
Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
@Mr_Kapowski: A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing "The cloak stopped working" to which I responded "OMG you can see me?!"
@hippieswordfish: 'welcome to subway how can i-'
ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID
M: IS IT HIS PISS
@Young_Fraser: "I maul out of love" - Bear Supply
@Majorboobage: 9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married.
Me: That's every culture son.