Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice