We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
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Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
some cats are just doing for fun!
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”