*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
No, he would not have.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.