rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.