#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
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Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”