#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
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NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm