#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
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Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids