#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
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Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
This a good idea
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia