*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
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me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Just say no
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
HOW DARE YOU
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years: