*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
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roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”