*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.