[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
being a writer on Twitter:
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.