Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
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Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.