Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”