Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
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A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home