Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
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*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
plant them where lol
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.