Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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This classic never gets old . . .
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!