Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
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6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”