Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
You Might Also Like
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.