Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.