[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!