Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.