[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.