[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?