*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
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The prophecy is fulfilled
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Stop sending me this shit.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.