A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
You Might Also Like
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
🙁
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.