*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
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Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Sending in my taxes
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg