*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
You Might Also Like
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Lmfao
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
mood