[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
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My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No